Thursday, October 20, 2011

How the hell does that work

when ever someone finds out that we are polyamorous the questions start flying and usually faster then i can type the answers. 

 What the hell is polyamory? Aren't you just polygamists?

Polyamory is the love of more than one person in a romantic and emotional sense.  We are all capable of loving more than one person, which is why we can love more than one child, more than one friend, etc.  People who practice polyamory choose to love more than one person romantically, and yes sexually. People who practice polyamory can be heterosexual, homosexual or bi-sexual.

Polygamy is typically associated with  Fundamentalist Mormons and is religious based and typically in Polygamy there is multiple marriage.  The other big difference it that typically, polygamy is one husband and several wives, in polyamory the combinations are endless.

When talking to poly folk you will hear some interesting new words...Polyandry (which is a woman with two or more husbands), polyfidelity (which is a form of polyamory where all members are equal partners and agree to be sexually active only with members within the group), Triad (a three way relationship where all parties usually are involved with each other), a Vee (where one person is involved with two others but those others aren't involved with each other), Primary (this is the person you were with prior to choosing poly), Secondary (this is the new person brought into a relationship), NRE (new relationship energy, that feeling when you first fall in love and all you can think of is that person).

Ok, so now I know what your saying but how do you decide to do that....

For everyone i think they come about their lifestyle choices as they learn who they are, or as they are learning who they are.  Society teaches us that monogamy is what we should all strive for and what is acceptable.  Never mind that ancient cultures, and yes even people of the bible, practiced polyamory...but i digress.  For Grim and I it started as a series of  conversations after hearing of the concept.  We discussed the psychological do people handle jealousy, how do people split their time, how would you handle the secrecy and judgement of others, etc.  We also discussed the sociological aspects of would you assimilate into a monogamous world as poly,  how would your family treat you, etc.  We talked about these things for quite some time and after about 2 yrs of talking we decided if the opportunity presented itself we would give it a shot.  We didn't start looking for people, nor did we have people in mind, they kinda found us a few months after we made our decision lol.

Ok, so you decided monogamy wasn't for you.  When you found someone else, how did you figure out the know who sleeps where and when, etc
This takes a bit of work, and every poly family will have a different way of doing is our way.  First off Rules, you have to be careful with rules...they have a way of multiplying and taking over your lives i a bad way.  We started off with tons of rules (for everything from who sleeps where to who sits where at dinner) and slowly realized that we weren't living our lives, we were following a manual and miserable. So, here is what we do as far as logistics/living...

1.) we sleep two nights with each partner then change.  So I sleep with Grim for 2 nights, then with Irish for 2 nights then back to Grim for 2 nights, etc.  When i sleep with Irish then David sleeps with Cerena.

That's it, that is the only rule still in existence.  We don't change nights unless it is an anniversary.  Birthdays, holidays, whatever, we sleep with whom we are scheduled. 

Ok, well that makes sense...So what about all those other questions that monogamous people don't understand.

How do you prevent pregnancy.....the same way as monogamous couples do, condoms, birth control pills, vasectomy, tubal ligation, etc.  In our house I have had my tubes tied and Cerena is on birth control pills.

What happens if you want to have sex with someone and it isn't your night with them...Our decision was to not have sex with the person we aren't sleeping with that night.  For us it is about respect, other poly families have other thoughts i am sure.

Why stay married.... Because I love my husband and I don't see the need to be divorced simply because i have added another person to my life, or him to his.  A lot of people will say that I have disrespected the sanctity of my marriage vows, but since no where in them did they say "forsaking all others" i am not sure that is true lol  Even if it was, to me everyone's concept of marriage is different and it isn't up to anyone else, except me and my family, to determine if we are disrespectful of anything.

What do you tell the kids....For us it was something we discussed with them before Irish and Cerena came into our lives.  Our kids were 8 and 15 at that point and we had open, honest discussions with them about what we thought.  When we found Irish and Cerena, then we introduced them to the kids right away and allowed them to form their own friendships naturally.

How do you handle Jealousy...There was a lot of jealousy in the beginning but over time we all learned a very valuable  Jealousy, to us, is a sign of something in our lives not being met and if you sit and figure out what that is and discuss it the jealousy disappears instantly and your original problem is solved appropriately.

there are a million other questions, and issues, that i will address randomly in this blog.  Problems that we faced, things we have overcome, situations we encounter and stumble thru.  Feel free to comment and ask anything, i am completely open to anything and can't be offended lol.



  1. I have a question.. do your kids view Irish and Cerena as more parental units, or more as friends? And are Irish and Cerena allowed to discipline/ allow or disallow things/ etc? Or is that sort of thing just you and the husband?

  2. They see Irish as more of a step dad and cerena as more of a friend. Both of them are allowed to discipline them and allow or not allow things. Major issues we handle as a family, it keeps the kids from playing favorites or playing one person against another.

  3. I love how absolutely honest you are.

    I don't remember if I've asked this.. is your choice to be poly-amorous religion related at all (if there's even a religion that deals with that >.<) or is it just something yourself and your husband felt would be right for you?

  4. it wasn't religious, i am not sure there is a religious affiliation with polyamory as there is with polygamy. For us it was a decision we came to mutually after years of discussing the psychological and sociological aspects of it.

  5. I was wondering if in your second paragraph you could add that it is the fundamialist Mormons that do polygamy. I'm a lds Mormon and we don't practice that anymore.

    As for your lifestyle I'm all for it whatever works for you!

  6. HA. kay, first off. Mormons are NOT POLYGAMIST. so if you're going to try to answer questions, research it. You don't know what you're talking about, and its because of people like you that people are disgusted with the Mormons. I don't care what you do with your life, significant other, whatever. but broadcasting it and putting false crap up is absolutely stupid of you. Edit it.

  7. that is why i said it is "typically associated with" not "all mormons are polygamists". That is also why this is a blog on blogspot and not an educational forum. We learn from each other and each others is how the world goes round. I love all input, comments and welcome all knowledge and information as well as respond and comment respectfully.
    Religion is a hot topic, always has been, and people have thier own knowledge, interpretation and views/beliefs of thier and others relgions. It's like that song says ... three things you should never discuss..politic, relgion and women lol.
    thank you for your input.