Tuesday, November 22, 2011

I think Dr. Suess invented the english language.....

English is the most widely used language in the history of our planet. One in every 7 humans can speak it. More than half of the world's books and  international mail is in English. Of all the languages,it has the largest vocabulary - perhaps as many as 2 MILLION words. Nonetheless, let's face it - English was actually invented by Dr. Suess...... 

There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple or pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you comb thru annals of history but not a single annal? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?  If teachers taught, why didn't preacher praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?  How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?

Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a sung hero or experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable? And where are all those people who ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on.

English was invented by Dr. Suess, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this blog, I end it.

Friday, November 11, 2011

Attack of the 50' mermaid

I was sure it'd be impossible to find a more horrifying mating ritual than the praying mantis, but i think i have found it. You can thank the salmon. You've probably heard the old tale of how salmon swim upstream to mate, but that's not painting the true, terrifying picture....
Let's say you and a bunch of friends make a journey to your childhood hometown for an orgy (look, you need to accept that the animal kingdom just has looser rules here). But the trip is dangerous--you'll have to walk across a wilderness filled with enemies, and the air at the destination will kill you if you breathe too much of it. So it's actually kind of like the fellowship in Lord of the Rings traveling to Mordor, only instead of saving Middle Earth, you're looking to grab lots o' strange titty.

By the time you make it to the destination, the trip has been so hard on you and your companions that everyone is wounded or literally rotting on their feet. You've been reduced to a whole bunch of horny zombies. Yup that's right, zombies...  This mass of horny zombies congregates in a disgusting, debauched tangle of genitals and rotting flesh. And as soon as everyone is done sexing it up, the entire undead swinger's convention just drops dead.  

Why in the hell do salmon go through this? Well, they're born in fresh water, but migrate to the sea as they mature. However, at some point in their adult life, a primal desire drives them to swim back to the freshwater they were born in to mate and lay their eggs. Even more amazing, the drive is synchronized in every generation, so everybody you grew up with as a salmon just starts leaving around the same time.
In order to survive the journey and deal with the change from salt to freshwater, a lot of hormonal changes take place. Unfortunately, these changes practically destroy their bodies, turning them into zombie fish. What with all the swimming through treacherous, brackish water, surrounded by predators like bears, all while your own body starts shutting down...it's a wonder any of them even make it at all.

And once it's done, they all just die, like some kind of underwater Jamestown. The next generation will benefit by the increase in nutrients in the stream caused by a whole lot of parents-turned-fertilizer, ensuring that the next generation can live on and...die horribly as well?

Could it possibly get any worse? Oh yeah, it can: sex for salmon is external and without anything we humans would regard as pleasure, which is why you should never ever date a mermaid.

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Everyone else can freeze....

I see this commercial last night...It is a homeless guy on the street with a "will work for" sign, the next shot is a homeless woman sitting on the ground, her back to a brick wall shivering in the cold, the third shot is another homeless guy pushing a shopping cart of junk...the end result is an ad with the tag line "a home for every veteran"...

Ok, i have an issue here........ 

First of all what makes them a veteran..Is it that they served during a war or are all people who serve considered veterans?  If it just includes people who served during war what do those that served in peace time get? A hand shake and  " sorry we weren't fighting then,maybe next time" ? Because i always thought that you were a veteran no matter when you served and whether you poured sand out of your boots or not you got the same benefits.

Second of all, with the amazing amount of homeless people (including families with children) why are we only willing to "Give" housing to homeless veterans?   And if we can "give" this housing away, why haven't we done it sooner and again for ALL people who are homeless? Would it not make more sense to house these people and make them productive members of society again?

Would it not make more sense to house the needy regardless of their military service?  Is it a ploy by the government to get more people to serve in the military...you know something like (picture Uncle Sam here)  "Enlist now, serve your country and if you ever have a mental breakdown, make bad financial decisions and loose it all, or simply choose to not pay your bills we will give you a home!!!"  Well, gee i guess i better run right out and sign myself up...you never know when i might be homeless.

My parents served in the army, both of them, my husband served in the army.  Are they offered the same benefits as those going to Iraq now? Hell No.  Yes i understand that the men and women over there now are in a time of war and being shot at, etc....So again i ask you , is it OK to change the benefits for military personnel simply because "oh gosh there wasn't a war going on then"....NO.  Is it OK to only provide housing to homeless vets when there are millions of non vets on the street in the same position...NO.

But i guess since my parents, my husband and millions of other VETERANS weren't being shot at daily, they no longer qualify as veterans.  I guess since the woman down by my local post office holding the sign that says "will work for food, shelter, anything" is screwed and will have to continue freezing her butt cheeks off since she didn't serve in the military either.